Tuesday, September 9, 2008

English Jokes

Q: What key has legs and can't open a door ?
A: turKEY.

Q: Which bus crossed the ocean?
A: Columbus

Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: "Smiles". Because there is a "mile" between its first and last letters

Q: What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?
A: Envelope

Q: What starts with "P", ends with "E", and has millions of letters?
A: Post Office

Q: Why did the farmer win the Nobel prize?
A: Because he was out standing in his field.

Q: If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?
A: Dead!

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer!

Q: I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
A:A liar

Q: Why shouldn't you put the letter "M" into the refrigerator?
A: Because it turns ice into mice!

Q: Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
A: Because they are not weak days! (weekday)

Q: What's round and dangerous?
A: A vicious circle

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There were 5 people lived in a house......
Their name were: "Mad, Brain, Stupid, Nobody and Anybody".......
One day, Anybody killed Nobody......
Brain was in the bathroom......
Mad called the police....
He said to the police: "Anybody has killed Nobody"....
Police: "Are you mad?"......
Mad: "Yes, I'm Mad"........
Police: "Does your brain have problems?"....
Mad: "No, Brain is in the bathroom"......
Police: "Are you stupid?".....
Mad: "No, Stupid is reading this news".........

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Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !
Operator : Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this ?

Caller : I am Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's
urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about ?

Caller : Well.. just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe
Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I'm Saw Ree.

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator : That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree

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Reason why students fail in exam...

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
has 365' days.
Typical academic year for a student:
Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.
Days left 263.

8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing
properly & swallowing)-means 30 days. Days left 96.
1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. Days left 81.
Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)- 40 days. Balance 6 days.
For sickness - at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

Movies and functions - at least 2 days.
1 day left.
That 1 day is your BIRTHDAY

How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!

Balance = 0

"Then how can a student pass ??”

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Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were crying, running and praying to God -

just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.

Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Around two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I can swim even more then that. Just tell me in which direction?
Captain: Downward...!

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by
saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher: , "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

Johnny: No, ma'am, but I thought it were pity to see you standing there all by yourself!

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Student: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Student: good, because i didn't do my homework.

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Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself

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A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

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Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

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A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."

Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.

But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school

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